Hello Lovelies, Haley here with another My Body Posi Journey installment. If you are not familiar with this column, please take a look here. This month’s story is written by a gorgeous Plus Size Model who wants to remind us that no matter how we look, we are a masterpiece…
Everyone has a story. None of us woke up one day and decided that we no longer like what we see in the mirror or who we are. Some of it comes from society, some of it comes from critics, bullies, media, life experiences, and sometimes even our own families. Regardless if it was one of these reasons or all of them, the end results in a woman feeling broken and damaged. And although it’s a hurtful and even a long journey the beauty in it is amazing……
I was a pageant baby, a Toddlers and Tiaras type of little girl. I was set up to have all the confidence in the world. I won trophies, competitions, and ribbons and I had a sassy girl attitude to match. For any of my country music fans to quote a lovely Faith Hill “She was Daddy’s little girl, Mommas little angel, Teacher’s pet, Pageant Queen”. However my family dynamics started to change, my parents divorced and became a girl from a broken home. My mom was now
Growing up with a Narcissistic mother leaves many girls broken, we are taught that we are never enough and never will be, regardless of our best efforts. Some people are lucky enough that this pushes them to always strive for more and do better, for me I was the opposite. I quickly learned that nothing was good enough and I could never make her happy, so I gave up. The problem with this is I gave up on myself, and my own happiness. From a young age I learned that I was worthless, and if for any moment I thought otherwise I was quickly reminded that I meant nothing, and essential was nothing.
This attitude also carried me though life, I was in relationships with men who made me feel the same way, Worthless. Men who had so many scares of their own that they couldn’t even begin to help repair mine, in fact the only way they were able to feel good about themselves was to deepen those cuts just a little more. I was in one relationship for close to ten years that reinforced a feeling of nothingness. I had a child and tried to put together the perfect life, the perfect family. My efforts though still seemed to fail him. He still desired other women, women who I felt were better than me. Women who for whatever reason were able to give the man I wanted to give everything too something that I couldn’t give him. So the end result was again feeling that I was just not good enough.
I even put myself into jobs that validated that I was not able to find success in. I worked in places that held such high of standards that I decided before I ever tried that I wouldn’t be able to reach them. I think one of my lowest points came. We sat in a meeting and had to talk about our qualities and what we could bring to the team. I sat and listened to people who were able to ramble off these amazing things, and here I was sitting almost to the point of tears because I had nothing to say about myself. There was not one good thing I could tell this room of eyes on me. Man, talk about a low feeling.
I came to a place in my life that I knew things were not ok. I was searching for these people to give me this acceptance and this love, but I wasn’t demanding it. I didn’t know at the time I deserved people who would treat me better. I never wanted to be anyone’s victim, because I thought it made me weak. However, I learned as I worked on myself that my weakness was ignoring the things that happened in my life, and down playing how the affected me on me as an adult. I worked on these things little by little, sometimes even having to take a break but I never stopped. Once I was able to do this I started to get to know me. I learned what I liked and what I didn’t like, down to the littlest of things. I found out who I was…..I learned I’m a great friend and mother. I have a creative mind. I’m a sweetheart. I’m a leader. I am a bit of a control freak. I love shopping and hate going to the movies. I’m more of a nature girl then I ever thought. I went hiking, white water rapids, and even camping. I started living for me, and what an amazing feeling it was. Once I started loving myself I didn’t even have to demand for others to love me, they just did.
I decided as well to go into plus size modelling which honestly scared me a little, but it’s been nothing less than amazing. Modelling allowed me to put myself out there
I once read about a Japanese tradition where broken pottery is not tossed out, but it is repaired. They use a gold lacquer to piece back together the broken pieces. This all centred on a Japanese philosophy that appreciates the beauty in the flawed and infractions. So take the time, piece yourself together, smooth out the rough edges and be that freaking masterpiece 😉
You can follow both Savannah Lynn (Heather Lynn) and her plus size clothing boutique on Instagram: